Of Porn, Popcorn and Coke

Statutory Warning: If you are a sensitive person who thinks porn is degrading, derogatory and disrespectful, then this post is not for you. I would advise you to please close this window now. This blog is purely nothing but one’s perception about porn. And this is in no way meant to be offensive or an insult to anyone, including the people who work in the industry. Read, have a good laugh, remember your old similar times and go to sleep – that’s what it is all about.

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Webster Dictionary defines porn as a creative activity (writing or pictures or films etc.) of no literary or artistic value other than to stimulate sexual desire. I agree to the creative part but no literary or artistic value, Hello?

Today, we are going to talk about porn. Yes, I like to blog about sensitive and the most interesting or rather “dirty” topics sometimes. Ask why? Well, that’s how I roll, biatch! People blog about almost anything and everything but I have never seen one blog about porn. They might be scared that it would affect their “good-guy/girl” image if they did. Well, don’t blame them; the “society” labeled it as a total blasphemy. But I don’t care about society, so I don’t give a tiny rat's ass. So when I asked myself, ‘Why not blog about porn?’, the Barney Stinson in me shouted out – Challenge Accepted! And the other two things, popcorn and coke – that’s just to complete the title. Popcorn – you can grab some if you want and coke – well, don’t grab that please as this is not porn. I know, lame joke. Let’s get back to the topic. I will try to keep this post clean… ish.

And before you continue on, admit the fact – You have watched it, at least once in your life. And it was awesome!

I vaguely remember the time once when I asked my dad as to how I was born. He simply smiled and told me that he got me from the flea market for a very reasonable price. I believed him then, but later something did not fit in. When I was a kid, I also believed that if a boy kissed a girl, she would become pregnant. And I was so much scared of this fact that at one point I was even scared to kiss my doll. Yes, you heard it right. It was a beautiful doll, but let’s not drift away from the topic here. A few years later, when Mr. Mathew started explaining the human anatomy in biology class, I felt that something was not right; somewhere, something didn’t seem to fit in. And it was when I watched my first porn at the tender age of 13, everything fell into place. Just like that. And from then on, I never looked back.

Where I got my first porn? Well, that’s a complete different story. If you must know and I am not proud of this fact, I got it off from my dad’s collection [God help me if he is reading this]. Well, I borrowed it actually when he was not around and without his knowledge. Back then, compact discs were just arriving and people had everything on tapes or cassettes. So it was hard to keep these things concealed from the young budding talents. But my dad was a genius; he labeled the cassette after some dude’s wedding which made me all suspicious, you know. I thought why he would save all these wedding cassettes of people we didn’t even know. And that suspicion made me steal or “borrow” one of his cassettes one day and that one courageous step opened the gates to the magical world of Narnia for me.

The next step – friends. Bryan Donnell and I have been buddies since childhood; well we have been best buds since the time I can remember. We were partners in crime and there was nothing that did not catch our attention except books, unless it had nice pictures on them. When I told him of my heroic act, he simply patted my shoulder and said “Been there, done that.” Guess I was a tad late. Cassettes were not an option for us as it was big and hard to conceal. And so we discovered a next, but more powerful source – the Internet. Everything we needed was right there, just a click away. Growing up in Muscat, one of the Gulf countries, we had limitations but it was challenging at the same time. Everything is blocked there by the government. But we had some of our usual favorite ones that we used to check out, some which the service providers failed to notice and some which were not known or which had decent names. Back then, we both used to take a cab to a place called Tharmad and visit a café there just so that we don’t end up being caught by someone we knew. I remember once, while we were “browsing”, a junior from our school came with his dad to say ‘Hi’ to us and then checked out our system to see what we were doing. Fortunately, Donnell’s Hotmail inbox was open and we did not have tabbed browsing back then. The things we used to do, man, I miss those times. I miss Floppy disks.

College times were better as we were past that age barrier and it was no longer illegal; well, nothing is illegal until you get caught. The first time we all got together was when Jebin Mathew got his laptop to the hostel to do some project. Poor guy didn’t know that some of us had different ideas and intentions to use it differently, for different purpose. And just a few weeks after we all started college, we were gathered in Jebin’s room one night to watch porn. I remember, very vividly of the scene that night – a dude getting it on with a chick in a public restroom. But the funniest part of the whole thing was that after a few minutes, I heard the door slam open and the next thing we know, Arun Raj was running for the toilet.

Hostel scene was amazing. Every Saturday night, the whole hostel, seniors, juniors, everyone would gather around the small TV set, not to watch cricket or football but just because the local cable operator would run some A-rated movie. Saturday nights were when the whole hostel came to life under one roof. And it was awesome. The day-scholar scene was completely different though. They had something called T-series going on; compact discs labeled with a 'T' followed by a serial number passed around by many dudes, T stood for “Thundu”, the local slang for porn. I remember the first one I got was T-24. I was brokenhearted because I missed out the earlier installments and nobody knew where the other 23 discs were. Well, those were times. There are many memories, but let’s get back something else about porn.

There is one thing about porn though that I want to talk about in this post. And Racism. There is a connection between the two. What I mean to say is that whenever we want to watch one, we always go for the ones with the white or black folks in it or the good looking folks. Admit it, they tape it better, they act better, they look better and they have awesome story lines. Nobody wants to watch the third-world country porn or the ones with the ugly folks. Some people are so racist that they prefer only the fair skinned ones in them. The others are like the social outcasts of the porn world. Admit it. Well, even I do; I don’t care for the skin tone but I do prefer the good looking ones in the ones I see.

But I do not completely ignore the others. I do occasionally check on them to see how they are doing. For e.g., occasionally, I do check the Russian scene to see whether there have any that are made for a sane or normal  person or the Japanese scene to see if they have still removed the blur effect. And occasionally I do check out some local Indian stuff to see how my people are doing. Well, if you would like to know, they keep disappointing me every time. Here’s why: terrible camera work, stupid sound quality, crappy lighting, poor acting skills, no plot and don’t even get me started on the set. I mean nobody, not even the people in the video would know how the whole thing started. And if I did find one with an average quality, which would be rare, the pick-up lines the guys use in them would have me go, “Dude, you kidding me? You seriously think that would work?” But it does, only in that world. And halfway into watching the Indian thing and I ask myself, “Wait, where is the fucking song? Did I miss it?” Ah, the stereotypes. Don’t you just love them? The only country that does not disappoint me anytime is Brazil. Ah, I know what you're thinking.

There’s another thing about porn – the music. Some of them have these incredible music tracks which make it more interesting. I remember once I saw this one video where a guy picks up a lady from a park by playing a song and strumming the guitar and I was so moved by the song that I use to watch that porn just for that song. And my buddies would ask, “Man, you watching that porn again? Are you in love with the dude?” Nobody would believe me if I told them I watched a porn movie many times because there was a nice acoustic song in it, one with the same strumming pattern of Wonderwall by Oasis.

People get offended when someone mentions porn, especially women. Oh, so you think reading “50 shades of Grey” is fun and this is not? Come on, grow up. A picture speaks a thousand words and a motion picture, 24 pictures per seconds. So do the math and you will see which one will give you more words, if that’s what you’re after. And women, your boyfriend or husbands watching porn doesn't mean that he is cheating on you; consider it as him taking theory lessons. I once told a female friend of mine that I watch porn and she told it was disgusting. I told her it was not. I told her that it was actually set in the Shakespearean times and the sets were awesome and so was the story line  much better than her favorite flick ‘Twilight’. She ended the discussion by calling me names, but I didn't care. We are still very good friends though.

I know many would consider porn as degrading. Some say it is degrading to women. To them, I ask – She is doing it too right? It is not degrading; only if you make the disgusting ones, then it is. So if you ask me whether I watch porn, I would openly say, I do. It’s better than watching it secretly and then lying about it. The world is changing. I mean if a country like India can accept a porn star like Sunny Leone, other countries can do much much better. But think about it, everyone has watched at least one and enjoyed at least once in our lives. And if you have not watched one, there is seriously something wrong with you. And the only solution to that – watch one!

Image Courtesy: http://podblog.blogs.hopkinsmedicine.org

Posted in: Humor,Porn

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